I am so angry. Some of the people in my life who I KNOW would go to the wire for me STILL do not @#$%@#* understand the reality of medications!
Of all the patients prescribed Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors, a.k.a. SSRIs, the latest medication class to alleviate depression, an unlucky few of us have a brain that quickly accommodates, and therefore is rendered impervious to the healthy state they give, after just a few months. Thank God, a med that we haven’t been on for a while will again work, and that’s why the plan is for substitution of Effexor for my Prozac.
I don’t usually go into details with anyone because my meds usually give me much better boundaries. Usually, my brain filters such events as my over-reacting and I ignore it. BUT WOAH!!! THIS time I have had to switch meds MUCH sooner than I ever had to before.
Here is what it's like if you could just tune in during the 2nd week of being weaned off of Prozac. Mind you, I am also being titrated ON to the new/old med, Effexor, on the same week.
RIGHT NOW: I feel hopeless, helpless and especially, worthless. I know it's not true, I KNOW it's my brain being out of balance, but it does not end the torment.
RIGHT NOW: In addition to extreme desire to end the pain, I genuinely feel like I am a burden and just "dead weight." Then, with barely an intermission, my mind starts to imagine my life and it seems so empty and barren.
RIGHT NOW: I am so aware of my physicality, my stomach, my back and my head. A trickle of discomfort quickly becomes Niagra Falls and I am, literally, showered with negative self talk that I KNOW is untrue but this knowledge does nothing to dam the tides. The emotional feeling is like a never ending desert, a panorama of gray clouds covering every thought, every feeling, and weighing down all activities.
I FEEL so angry that some professionals in this field (in my experience it's usually chemical dependency people) genuinely do not understand. It really makes me want to tell them off.
THIS time, I really just want to say what I think. I am always convinced during THIS time that MY voice must be heard, in all its raw glory.
Even such a trustworthy, personal breathing example will not sway some people. Dorothy (not her real name), who truly loves me, gets that dull stare and starts to phase out of the conversation when I talk about my recent NIGHTMARE in switching from Prozac to Effexor.
If only she could live in my head when the Prozac is wearing off, just like the Zoloft, the Lexapro, etc. did before it. BUT, I have enough experience in my 12 step program to know that ACCEPTANCE is the answer to all my problems and that their beliefs and values about this issue will not be swayed by facts and personal examples.
Is this at all clear to ANYONE???? If you can feel me in this, you are not depressed, because when you’re depressed you don’t/can’t really care what anyone else feels.
poor baby, its like being pregnant...i can hardly recall being so miserable. Even if it was onlly 14 ti 21 days long ...like a movie I saw, ihardly relate to you my friend, my self.
ReplyDeletea few years ago, you saved my life. because of you, my life has turned around into something beautiful. because of you, i've been able to help others. because of you, i don't feel the overpowering guilt, i can talk myself through things, i don't feel alone in my bi-polar or like i'll never 'make it' in the 'real world' b/c of my illness. i recently went through the same kind of time. for what seems like the bazillionth time. during those lows, i wonder how many more switches i'll have to make. after the depression has crawled its way into my life so that i notice it only when it's too late. is this what my life is going to be like?! what kind of life is this?! & what's the point?! i'm coming out of a depression so yes, i do FEEL you. i relate to what you're saying. your post was from awhile ago so i trust & hope everything has stabilized & is better. i've referred everyone i can to you. b/c i believe in you & your methods. & i credit you for making sense out of intense pain, guilt, confusion & fear. i wish you much peace & success & hope you realize what a difference you make in this world. thank you!
ReplyDeleteYou are sooo sweet! I am so honored I could help you and grateful you responded. Thank you again and I know you will be able to give from a place of integrity. We need more of us, regardless of our issues, to stand up and break the stereotypes and give others hope that surviving is not enough, THRIVING is our goal. Keep it up and I hope our paths will cross again.
ReplyDeleteAlways, Suzi