Psyche Couturière

Back on the Road Again

2011-09-21T07:41:00.000-04:00

I am approaching my balanced meds state. Nothing seems too high or low, and at times life seems painfully boring. Almost, the exquisite thrill of mania, and perhaps even the dark dungeon of depression, seems preferable to the steady pace of real life. Offsetting this boredom is remembering that the longer I’m balanced, the less boring it gets.

It’s so hard for bi-polars to wait it out, to reach the peaceful stages of life, that many of us quit our meds. and fall back into an abyss of hopelessness. So, I compensate. Every few weeks I do something new or exciting involving some sort of risk. Progressing in meditation, physical activities (dancing, hula hoop, etc.), and social activities also bring about a sense of fulfillment and satisfaction which, I might add, could never be possible without medication.

I challenge myself in my fashion, putting clothes together in bright and daring ways that reflect avatars of my personality (like Amy Winehouse, Joan Jett, etc.) I can shift, boost, or contain the excitement with a change of clothes.

Unlike the unbearable relentlessness of my un-medicated brain, by creating my (temporary) highs and lows, I retain control.

Going down a Long, Dusty Road

2011-07-25T08:02:00.001-04:00

I am so angry. Some of the people in my life who I KNOW would go to the wire for me STILL do not @#$%@#* understand the reality of medications!

Of all the patients prescribed Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors, a.k.a. SSRIs, the latest medication class to alleviate depression, an unlucky few of us have a brain that quickly accommodates, and therefore is rendered impervious to the healthy state they give, after just a few months. Thank God, a med that we haven’t been on for a while will again work, and that’s why the plan is for substitution of Effexor for my Prozac.

I don’t usually go into details with anyone because my meds usually give me much better boundaries. Usually, my brain filters such events as my over-reacting and I ignore it. BUT WOAH!!! THIS time I have had to switch meds MUCH sooner than I ever had to before.

Here is what it's like if you could just tune in during the 2nd week of being weaned off of Prozac. Mind you, I am also being titrated ON to the new/old med, Effexor, on the same week.

RIGHT NOW: I feel hopeless, helpless and especially, worthless. I know it's not true, I KNOW it's my brain being out of balance, but it does not end the torment.

RIGHT NOW: In addition to extreme desire to end the pain, I genuinely feel like I am a burden and just "dead weight." Then, with barely an intermission, my mind starts to imagine my life and it seems so empty and barren.

RIGHT NOW: I am so aware of my physicality, my stomach, my back and my head. A trickle of discomfort quickly becomes Niagra Falls and I am, literally, showered with negative self talk that I KNOW is untrue but this knowledge does nothing to dam the tides. The emotional feeling is like a never ending desert, a panorama of gray clouds covering every thought, every feeling, and weighing down all activities.

I FEEL so angry that some professionals in this field (in my experience it's usually chemical dependency people) genuinely do not understand. It really makes me want to tell them off.

THIS time, I really just want to say what I think. I am always convinced during THIS time that MY voice must be heard, in all its raw glory.

Even such a trustworthy, personal breathing example will not sway some people. Dorothy (not her real name), who truly loves me, gets that dull stare and starts to phase out of the conversation when I talk about my recent NIGHTMARE in switching from Prozac to Effexor.

If only she could live in my head when the Prozac is wearing off, just like the Zoloft, the Lexapro, etc. did before it. BUT, I have enough experience in my 12 step program to know that ACCEPTANCE is the answer to all my problems and that their beliefs and values about this issue will not be swayed by facts and personal examples.

Is this at all clear to ANYONE???? If you can feel me in this, you are not depressed, because when you’re depressed you don’t/can’t really care what anyone else feels.

While I Was Away

2011-06-25T08:09:00.000-04:00

I recently returned from Costa Rica. The only TV channel I could get in my room in San Jose carried daily live the Casey Anthony trial. Impressions of America just based on our TV feed give quite a bizarre picture. Trust me, the irony of being on a “dental vacation” in a tropical locale while seeing Casey’s grossly incongruent affect as a potential homicidal mother did not escape me.

My mostly pleasant trip was, in a way, reminiscent of her superficial, matter of fact attitude towards her daughter’s murder. It reminded me how grateful I am that my life has become mundane (thank God) since recovery from drugs and stabilization on meds. While I never had homicidal traits, at some level I can relate to how Casey’s dysfunctional family is capable of gross denial and a sickening acceptance of the unacceptable.

It was amazing to watch some of the video of family talks on the jail phone and how familiar the dynamics were, so similar to some cases I have had in the past. I was reminded of many clients and their families in the tendency to believe their own lies and rationalize their choices. The challenging part came in how, in attempting to treat and gain trust in very sick situations, I would have to repress my own feelings and thoughts in order to create open dialogue about normally clandestine conversations.

It is amazing how the brain adapts to these situations. Before I knew it I no longer noticed Casey’s blatant dishonesty, lack of logic or avoidance of facts. It wasn’t until I stood up and turned off the TV that I realized how Casey’s defensive moves had served her well. The primary focus became the family dynamics as we saw the point of the departed baby seem to fade in the background.

I suppose that this is why I have always, in my practice and especially on my radio show, been fascinated by cults. The capacity for our minds to be heinously distorted as individuals and in groups is not as unlikely as we would like to think. “There but for the Grace of God…..” The survivors of Jim Jones’ cult and mass murder are a perfect example. From physicians to children, the dynamic (if you were an insider) slowly created a convincing acceptance of the unacceptable. Research has proven time and again that saying “No” to authority or groups is sadly not always our first and natural response. From Hitler and Jim Jones to survivors of domestic violence and gangs, if we do not constantly honor our emotional and spiritual needs our base, primal nature will quiescently determine our choices.

Dancing in the Stars

2011-02-23T11:12:00.003-05:00

Speaking of brains, I'm trying to win a dance contest being held by Dance 101 in Atlanta. Not a marathon, or a ballroom shootout, but one where I need to have a picture of me dancing in a public place, hopefully in a "traffic stopping" moment .

As I was cajoling my web-meister/editor/photographer into taking my picture for this dance contest, the riskier the venue I could think of and more trouble I could get into, the better I liked it. At the same time, the more I suggested the more he was balking, trying to dig in his heels and thinking at desperate speed for alternatives. "How about taking a picture of you here, and we paste it into a Times Square scene?". "No. How about the Atlanta Downtown Library?" Mind you I'm planning to carry a boom-box, hee,hee.

He blanched and came back with his best bargaining face on. "It's too far and too hard to park. Uh, how about the empty school down the street?"

"I neeeed a crowd! How about a church when it's letting out?" I'm thinking of my feather-boa dances. He apparently could see where this was heading and began to crumble. "Okay, today's Saturday and no one's at church. We ought to do it today. How about a gas station?"

Daniel Amen, MD taught me that when ADHD teenagers do risky things, the excitement increases the bloodflow to the neo-cortex, the same way that stimulants do in my brain. Having a conflict also creates an increase bloodflow. There must be a similar syndrome happening with bi-polar people, because risky activity just feels so good.

"Suzi, isn't that why you take medicine?" Yep. I take stimulants so I don't need the riskiest behaviors to feel good, but they aren't a complete "cure." I
get so happy and excited when I know I'm going to do something controversial.

If I love doing something, I can do it forever. If I don't love something, I just can't drag up the energy or focus to get it done (housecleaning,laundry,
etc.) "So what makes you any different than anyone else?" It's not that we ADHD folks don't WANT to have clean clothes,clean floors, organized desks, etc..

We just can't without the stimulation coming from somewhere, such as imminent disaster or medication. I stopped taking insurance payments in my practice
because I couldn't do the paperwork. What normally takes one of my fellow therapists 15 minutes would take me hours. Fortunately, the gift of ADHD enhances my therapeutic interaction with my clients, and clinical insights are heightened by my passion.

Anyway, I went to get dressed as my web guy chatted with my husband. When I came out, they looked up, and my trusty web-meister just rolled his eyes, and groaned softly "We're in trou--ble!!"

Go Faster Pantyhose

2011-01-27T17:28:00.002-05:00

I have a great sequel to my previous blog, the “faster” experience at the thrift store. After I got over my compliment, my admirer/buddy/sign and I were chatting about all sorts of things, and ended up talking about one of my favorite subjects-tights and hose, especially decorated ones. She told me she had a pair of hose with, get this, TIGERS going up the side.

For those not in the know, that’s not at all common even for patterned
hose. She mentioned she was going to give them to a friend. I said,
“Girl, you should bring them here so I can buy them.” With a warm chuckle, we parted company.

Later that evening, the encounter made me reminisce. Back in the day, I must not have been a very good atheist. I started “losing my religion” right about the time I
started to see everything as negative. People, things and events all bummed me out. I saw everyone as being out for themselves. I saw events as rip-offs and garbage, and everything that happened to me was a punishment.

These perspectives became more grim as I migrated from my apprenticeship as substance and alcohol abuser, a twenty something girl resident in a Hell crammed full of street drugs, anonymous sex and other young addicts succumbing to their disease, to Master drug addict. There is so much mental and physical effort needed to maintain an addiction, you can’t see that the addiction is the cause of guilt and
self-loathing.

The physiological aspect of the illness supplies heroic motivation, i.e. the “need” to compulsively medicate, spiraling into shame, more “need” to medicate, and so we get the serpent eating it’s tail!

The almost impenetrable denial fortress is maintained with excuses and a never, ever ending supply of lies. That’s when many of us became atheists. Addiction seemed like such an important part of my identity. It’s what made me “cool” and who I was.

So what does tiger panty hose have to do with this?

I was soooo blown away when, the next week, I was standing in the same spot we had been talking, and there in front of me was, you guessed it, hose with tigers!!! One pair.

Maybe not THE hose, but how likely is it that this style is going to show up right in front of me a mere week after my experience??

I take it to mean God has again shown me that I’m on the right track (there are no coincidences, only miracles were God chooses to remain anonymous), and that good things and good people are everywhere!

(Re-enactment photos taken at the Lily's Cloak thrift store, operated by the Lilburn Cooperative Ministry, 5329 Five Forks Trickum Rd SW., Lilburn, GA 30047 ph (770) 931-8333 website: www.lilburncoop.org)

What Not To Wear

2011-01-12T00:16:00.002-05:00

Okay! You haters (both of you ;) may think this entire blog is about this topic. Some of you have even threatened to do an intervention on me, but I heard Stacy (from the TV show ) refused my application!
Like my Mother always said, “Honey, they’re just jealous!”

Well, if going on “What Not To Wear” means you have dress in a traditional conservative fashion then I’ll challenge Stacy to let me outfit her!! Can any of you see Stacy in a nice black and white ensemble with some camo, carrying a riding crop and wearing a few skull rings? Oh, and cut her hair too!

I added a copy of some outdated rules below. Don’t wear miniskirts after 40?? Imagine! Many of my female friends are a decade past 40. I am 52, and, dahling, I have gorgeous legs (my husband says so). To paraphrase a Christian verse (Mathew 5:15) “Don’t hide your legs under a bushel.”

When we obey rules that hurt us and others, we suffer and the family suffers. One time my Mother bought me a T-shirt that said “Schizophrenia, Alcoholism, and Homosexuality are all ways of just being polite.” (my brother, me, and, well, don’t ask don’t tell is still around)” Like my Mother also always said, “Just try to fit in…don’t make your father angry!” The typical Alcoholic Family Rules!!! Trying to live by these rules

DON’T TALK

DON’T TRUST

DON’T FEEL!!

ALMOST killed me!
So, if you’re genuinely comfortable with yourself, show it in your fashion. One period of time in my hospital career I decided to dress very conservatively so that I could feel more like a professional. If that were a genuine expression of my soul it would be fine. Instead, when I have to dress that way I say “I am dressing like a Republican!”

Not to say I want to see my surgeon wearing multiple nose studs if I’m about to go under the knife! Frankly, when I have family therapy and couple therapy sessions with very conservative people, I will tone down the colors and style. I want to engage them and not frighten them! There is room to consider “a time and place for everything” and that is when we are in service to others such as clients and families.

Lastly, I have to be as honest here as I am everywhere else. After 28 years my natural talents and my extensive professional training as an “experiential” therapist in several different arenas have allowed me great leeway. Those of you that know me are aware of my ADHD character defects (find step 6 of the 12 Step program or hone in on page 65) relating to temporal awareness and numbers phobia. I once had a very conservative, HIGH achiever in a position to say so, tell me “If you weren’t so good I’d fire you!” We're not always in that situation so all I can say is this is not a call to anarchy, but a call to “thine own self be true…”

What They Tell Us Are Rules

You can't wear white after Labor Day.

It's not OK for tall women to wear high heels?

Pigtails and overalls are for little kids.

Don’t wear miniskirts after 40.

Never Wear Black with Blue.

You Can't Wear Gold and Silver Together.

Horizontal Stripes Will Make You Look Heavy.

On Being Fast!

2011-01-08T14:35:00.002-05:00

“I oughta’ kick your ass” Leaning wayyyy into my (previously) sacred personal space, while looking at me dead in the eye, she followed up with “You’re faster than me!!”

Considering this slightly larger black woman, a woman unmistakably addressing in no uncertain terms me, a rather small white woman with a startled (and totally unexpected) stereotypical reaction…, I had a fleeting feeling I was in for a stomping of my life. And to boot, this person and her shopping buddy had eyed me up and down since I entered the store. As I really didn’t know what had occasioned this, I felt like yelling, “I didn’t do it!”

The consternation and anxiety instantly turned into relief when she didn't hit me, and I realized I had just received a compliment. I started to laugh, somewhat hysterically (just imagine), from the relief which swept over me. The very next day after starting this blog, God had sent me a sign. Hurray!

When I first got clean and sober I was an atheist. At my very first meeting, my self appointed sponsor told me to go home and pray. I said I don’t believe in God, she said “That’s fine. I want you to tell Him that.” I felt instant peace, not only did the response feel “perfect”, it felt like a sign… She taught me to talk directly to God and later, to ask for signs and for confirmation that the signs are real.

Back to the thrift store, God knows how much I love surprises, how I love different cultures, and how much I love …thrift stores (which my sponsor re-introduced me to!!) And, (un)abashedly, compliments.

When I was first in recovery, feeling depressed and unloved (more on that later so stay tuned to this channel) and was seeking confirmation of my choices and my path, I had numerous signs from God. In my magical thinking I was able to tie seemingly random events to the positive direction I had/have chosen. It seems if you aren’t tuned in to the right radio station, you can’t pick up the program.

Virgin Post

2011-01-02T15:44:00.002-05:00

I dig fashion, it is my love. It is not my God or even my religion, yet it is truly spiritual and definitely my Nirvana. Transcendental, especially when creating a style out of one-of-a-kind thrift store pieces, and more especially (if that's a phrase) when I discover haute priced couture at bargain prices. (wink)

I call myself the "Psyche" couturière because my insides (the bio-psycho--> femalebi-polarADHDrecoveringdrugaddicttherapist) are congruent with what you see when you see me!!! I genuinely enjoy unique, one of a kind, non-prescribed ensembles. I guess I'm a cross between Lady Di and Lady GAGA!!

Biologically as a "soft" bi polar, it is definitely an ontological calling! As an adolescent I became attracted to "alternative" culture at about the same time I began using drugs. This led to romanticizing and exploring different communities, new music, and non-establishment dress. As money for essentials became a scarce commodity (because the group funds were channeled towards self destruction), creative bargaining, thrift stores, and discounted goods became the norm! Luckily, the positive aspects of this lifestyle (tribal experiences, sharing in noncompetitive ways, questioning the norm, God as Love, diverse perspectives, etc.) remain a part of who I am today.

It was when I first learned I had to take medicine for my hypomania, 25 or so years ago, that I re-discovered thrifting. In early recovery from my drug addiction it was a necessity to find an affordable way to dress professionally. Many years later it is a passion and a serendipitious experience.

Mind you, this vlog highlights my ADHD, hypomanic style. I AM the Psyche Couturière a.k.a. Soul Dresser!Couturière